I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
