Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
