Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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