I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
So much Jack, so little girl.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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