I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
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