Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
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I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
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All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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