Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
