Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
