Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
She's like a pop up book from hell.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
