I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
