i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
she smelled like a LAN party
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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