don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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