So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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