She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
