this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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