i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
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You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
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You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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