I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
