my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
