his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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