Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
