Im at strip club and am horny
so explain again why im purple
no
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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