Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
