if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
