Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
