I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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