Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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