So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
