plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
