I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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