I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
