Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
