I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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