I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
