if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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