You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
