I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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