I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
