They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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