We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
