I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
