my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
im having a threesome with these popsicles
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
