Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
