we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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