I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
