im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
