My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
