Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
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What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
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You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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