You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
