Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
