Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
