I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
