One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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