Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
