I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Why are your pants in the freezer?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
