frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
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Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You ruined the universe
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