hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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