I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize