The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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