I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
