Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
