I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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