He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
