i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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