textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Randomize
